Better Wine, Better Men?

I am the friend with the horrendous dating stories. When I tell my friends I am going on a date, I'm not greeted with "oh, I hope he's the one," "I hope he's great," or "I hope it's the best date!" Instead, I am greeted with "I can't wait to hear this story," "Good luck, can't wait to hear the story," and "let's hope this one brushes his teeth!"

I don't blame my friends for responding the way they do. I live for a good story. I will always put myself in situations to get a good story. I do it for the art and joy of my audience. I'm a hero.

My friends have heard many stories about the men I've chosen to go on dates with or the random, drunk, strange man at the bar exposing himself to me because I look like I... welcome it? I need to change something.

So I start looking at my life choices and goals. As I review my past life choices, I notice that the higher the quality of wine I drink, the better the men seem to be. I did a deep dive. For example, I drank Girl's Night Out in college, where 1 litre is $13, but the hangover is free. In college, I also went on a date with a man who cried because my eyes reminded him of his dog Pheonix, who died eight years prior. I gave this man a second date.

When I was 21, I was drinking Peller Estates boxed merlot for $14 a box. When I was 21, I also dated a man that took a dump on the bedroom floor right in front of me because he couldn't be bothered to wait for his roommate to leave the bathroom.

At 24, I would drink iced wine for $12. This was a rough period of my life. I dated a man that like iced wine, gave me heartburn, a headache, and an overwhelming sense of regret before I even took a sip. He only had one pillow on his bed, and it was his pillow. Only his pillow.

Today I would never give these men a second date because now, I strive to drink the 2018 Cabernet Sauvignon for $25 a bottle, and those two facts are connected. The better the wine, the better the man.

Have I found my prince charming yet? Well, no. I'm still on a budget dating budget men. Currently, my soulmate is a $15 bottle labeled "Red Blend," found at your nearest Loblaws. He is smooth, makes me feel warm and giggly, and is easy to enjoy. But the next day, I lay there with a headache, nauseous, regretting that Red Blend.

I'm not saying I want to get a higher-paying job only to meet a decadent, rich partner; I'm not saying that at all. My theory is if you treat your mind and body better with your day-to-day choices, your life path will follow suit. Don't buy the $100 bottle of wine every time; that's fun, but you end up poor, sad, and full of regret. And really, why spend $100 on a bottle when the $30 bottle tastes just the same and doesn't make you feel like you should cut a meal to afford rent? That $30 bottle may make you happy and treat you right for the rest of your life.

Goodbye to the days of giving boxed wine our attention and energy. Goodbye to the days of buying a wine based purely on how attractive the label was. Goodbye to the days of drinking the bottle even though it smells like vinegar.

Hello to the moderately priced wine that's aged more than a day. Hello to being the steak that pairs with that $30 wine and brings out the flavours stronger than ever before. That's all we want as humans. To be with someone that brings out your flavours, pairs nicely, and is not as flavourful alone but together? It's magic.

So that's what I'm striving for, and I will find the wine that brings out my flavours. I hope the wine that pairs perfectly with me is aging beautifully right now and searching for their steak because I'm here and I'm rare as can be.